I can't say when I first began to suspect that I was invisible, only that I have no memory of not feeling so. As a child, I was timid and self-conscious, fearful of embarrassing my parents or myself, so I stayed as quiet as possible and was relieved to go unnoticed. By the time I was in my teenage years, I had become an attractive girl, fair of face and figure, and not being noticed was no longer an option,. But while my physical-self received attention to spare, my soul-self remained always in the shadows.
My boyfriend loved me, of that I was sure, but never more than he loved his own dreams. When I married my first husband, he saw only the girl he wanted me to be, choosing to believe that I was ready to be married, in spite of my words to the contrary. Our brief relationship ended in divorce, but produced my first born son. I remarried, and at once began to pay the price of what scripture calls, 'being unequally yoked.' God help us all.
Six children soon followed, and it became easier to believe that I was a woman of substance, not shadow. Their interests became my interests, and their dreams, mine. Through the years, I rode their coat tails into the future, pretending that I had a life of my own and had not merely co-opted theirs.
And now, after 30 long and lonely years, my lifeless marriage is mercifully coming to an end, and I realize I have never been more than wallpaper; wallpaper against which all things more important have been arranged. My children, now grown, have moved on to more interesting backdrops, and my husband, well, he never did see the beauty of my pattern, and after years spent without protection from life's elements, it has all but faded away.
My boyfriend loved me, of that I was sure, but never more than he loved his own dreams. When I married my first husband, he saw only the girl he wanted me to be, choosing to believe that I was ready to be married, in spite of my words to the contrary. Our brief relationship ended in divorce, but produced my first born son. I remarried, and at once began to pay the price of what scripture calls, 'being unequally yoked.' God help us all.
Six children soon followed, and it became easier to believe that I was a woman of substance, not shadow. Their interests became my interests, and their dreams, mine. Through the years, I rode their coat tails into the future, pretending that I had a life of my own and had not merely co-opted theirs.
And now, after 30 long and lonely years, my lifeless marriage is mercifully coming to an end, and I realize I have never been more than wallpaper; wallpaper against which all things more important have been arranged. My children, now grown, have moved on to more interesting backdrops, and my husband, well, he never did see the beauty of my pattern, and after years spent without protection from life's elements, it has all but faded away.